So because I fancy myself as Oprah Winfrey this morning, I feel obliged to share with you the things I know for sure. True, those things that have acquired certainty of truth in my warbly mind are a rather mixed bunch, but life is really rather like that isn’t it? One minute you are debating the merits of great literature and the next you are sure as eggs are eggs that in a parallel universe Mariah Carey is a topless model.
And so, without further ado, a whole lotta nonsense I also know for sure.
1. Watch the kettle and it won’t boil. Just to get on your nerves.
2. In order to get things done, you have to do them. There is just no getting round it.
3. Make a date and you will grow a boil on your chin in ample time to dazzle him.
4. No-one can see dust in candlelight.
5. Kids have got a buzzer in their brain guaranteed to go off at inopportune moments.
6. Dipping your breasts in a bowl of water is not the easiest method of ascertaining your bra size.
7. Getting in the shower without brushing my teeth first would probably kill me.
8. Do the school run looking a bugger and you’ll find yourself standing next to the local WAG.
9. Eating jelly lips for breakfast is perfectly understandable when you feel a bit miserable.
10. But eating jelly lips for breakfast will make you fat for sure.
11. However contrary to popular belief, most men don’t mind hips made of jelly lips. It’s us who need to get over them.
12. Commercial air fresheners are the scourge of modern society.
13. Getting up an hour earlier than usual bloats my stomach. Who knows why?
14. I’d have made an excellent Land Girl during World War Two.
15. You mustn’t breathe if you find yourself sleeping next to me. I don’t like people who breathe.
16. God attached these legs to this bum and then fell off his chair laughing.
17. Putting anything from chin hair to your relationship under the scrutiny of a sixty watt bulb is never a good plan. Life is best lived in the bliss of dusky oblivion.
18. Lots of things taste better in someone else’s house.
19. Cheap jewellery, vintage or otherwise, turns you green. (But looks divine regardless).
20. Hurt wraps your heart in barbed wire. I’m positively spiky these days…
21. The answer to most problems is chocolate, lavender and paracetamol. Occasionally all at once.
22. Scrabbling around on your hands and knees is the only way to uncover buried treasure. Down you get.
23. Eligible batchelors over the age of 35 are eligible for a very good reason or ten. Trust me: I’ve endured them all.
24. If you press your ear hard into your pillow you can hear your heart banging in your brain.
25. Finley was sent to drive me to the brink of sanity and leave me dangling there naked. Raw. Exposed. And a teeny bit bonkers.
26. Beans on toast is the nectar of the Gods. Served with a sprinkling of grated cheese if you don’t mind.
27. Russell Brand is sex in a hairband. A legend in eyeliner.
28. Fairies nibble my nails while I’m asleep.
29. I’m never going to be grown up enough to like olives.
30. I look a fright in gold lurex. I do believe I have photographic proof.
31. Wish too hard and it will come true. Then what ya gonna do??
32. Sometimes the water you boil your cabbage in tastes as good as a nice cup of tea.
33. Look enigmatic and you’ll get away with murder.
34. Reading the instructions makes all the difference.
35. Dating in your dotage is exactly the same as dating in your youth: except nowadays it is appararently obligatory to throw a bit of lip nibbling into the equation during the first kiss.
36. It is physically impossible to tickle yourself. It’s such a shame.
37. Education is a gift.
38. No-one is ever going to take me camping. Damn you all!
39. Even the woman who looks like she lives in a magazine spread occasionally loses her keys or sprays hair mousse under her arms.
40. Somedays soup out of a tin is tastier than any homemade effort.
41. The nights I can’t wait to get into bed are the nights I’ll find myself suffering restless legs and a busy brain.
42. I like my bed better than yours.
43. I will never forgive Santa for not bringing me the patent leather high heels I asked for when I was twelve. Never ever never. That man is in my bad books.
44. There is no escaping your children. They follow you round like irritating gremlins and make unreasonable demands on your time and patience.
45. I am more tolerant of dirt than most women.
46. Old men with yukky coughs go to public libraries to spread their germs.
47. Eargasmic is a very good word indeed. Crackling fires and the pitter patter of summer rain are fine examples of eargasmic sounds.
48. I am never going to be a lorry driver. No siree.
49. I can’t behave myself long enough to get to the bottom of my ironing pile.
50. The idea of a heaven for children waiting to be born as in The Bluebird is utterly blissful.
51. Reality Tv is a fiddle.
52. Actually having watched the tv crew black out my windows at 11.00 in the morning, I now consider all tv to be a bit of a fiddle.
53. That said I am at my happiest sitting in front of Coronation Street with a bowl of Scouse on my knee. You know where you are with Scouse and Vera Duckworth…
54. You should never judge a man on the kind of bath he has had installed.
55. If you don’t eat you will lose weight. (Its pure magic).
56. Toilet humour of any kind isn’t funny. Unless you are six.
57. The universe truly is conspiring to make you happy, you just have to st0p getting in it’s way.
58. Bed is the best place to be when you are blue.
59. Twenty words are better than ten.
60. Everybody likes gin and mushrooms. And people who say they don’t are just being awkward because both things are deeply inoffensive.
61. A leopard never changes it’s spots, but sometimes it can do a really rather excellent impression of a zebra.
62. Barbed wire isn’t impenetrable.
63. I like what I like and I prefer it if you like what I like too.
64. Traffic wardens were tell-tales at school.
65. Even though I have told Finley he can have a dog when he is five, I am NEVER having a dog. Until he’s five.
66. Food is not always the way to a mans heart. Some days they just aren’t hungry.
67. Regret is a waste of energy. Onwards and upwards please.
68. People only pretend to like Christmas Pudding.
69. You are never going to see me in a mini-skirt.
70. Though I’m sorry to say that the good ladies of the Harper Valley PTA probably wouldn’t approve of me regardless.
71. No-one knows your child better than you do.
72. Christmas Eve is the most magical day of the year.
73. There but for the grace of God goes the Mummy sneering at you in the freezer aisle while your babba has a hissy fit because you won’t let him have another packet of Monster Munch.
74. Even mean people are sad under their skin. There is always an explanation. A reason.
75. One of your baubles will have smashed in a mysterious fashion when you come to decorate your tree.
76. The Spice Girls are single handedly responsible for destroying real Girl Power. It’s mostly Victoria Beckhams fault.
77. You mustn’t judge your friends. Even when they say something that makes you want to smack them.
78. Smacking your friends is deeply innapropriate. However telling them they are wearing bad shoes is occasionally called for.
79. Pressing your knuckles deep into the sockets of your eyes is a surefire route to temporary bliss.
80. Get carried away with fancy schmancy recipes for a dinner party and trust me you will regret it.
81. Secondhand bookshops are tiny corners of heaven on earth.
82. James Dean was the most beautiful man to ever exist.
83. If there was something precious to be kept, my family wouldn’t choose me to be it’s keeper. I am not to be trusted.
84. Give a dog a bad name and your sister will never let it go.
85. The day I accidentally smacked myself in the face (while swinging my arm back to smack him) and knocked myself out is NOT the funniest thing my Dad has ever seen.
86. I look great in a certain shade of hard to be found coral
87. The Mommies with bobs and serious glasses at the school gate find my wellies and snazzy scarf combination a bit too much too take at nine o’clock in the morning.
88. Happiness is a choice. You have to choose it.
89. Snobbery is the worst kind of social deviance.
90. When things couldn’t be worse you will find solace in poetry.
91. Internet dating was invented for optimistic fools. Bless us.
92. Banishing germs with a barrage of chemicals won’t prevent your family members from developing the lurgy. If they are gonna get it, they will get it.
93. I wouldn’t mind being Sophie Dahl.
94. Wearing holey knickers doesn’t make you a bad person. Just one who knows the meaning of comfort.
95. Crying helps. In most situations.
96. Occasionally I get my virtual and my real life confused.
97. Nothing feels as utterly scrumptious as a kiss from your babba.
98. They don’t make movies like they used to.
99. Blogging changes lives.
100. Having a room of one’s own is terribly important. (Though an armchair will suffice)
101. I don’t know a thing for sure…