Oh but is so very good to be back! Here I am again… back in my spiritual home. My laptop on my knee and a cup of minty green tea at my side. It is unseasonably sunny today. Though my heart yearns for the russet gold of Autumn, an Indian Summer seems to be upon us and I am trying so very hard not to wish it away.
I have in fact being wishing away so many of my days lately. Wishing my house was sold (it is!). Wishing the pain in my chest would go away (it has!). Wishing the Summer holidays were over so I could reclaim my routine and myself (they are!). Wishing it was time to move house (just two weeks to go now!)…
That old adage I repeat so frequently, this too shall pass, turned out to be so very true. I guess it is just a matter of believing that this is simply the nature of all things: nothing lasts for always. Faith in that during hard times would I think, make all the difference and yet so often we are too paralyzed by fear, to do much beyond wring our hands and weep when no-one else is looking.
And still I cannot help but ache for Autumn: for a few weeks in to the future when the hurly-burly of the packing, unpacking and enduring two house moves in as many months is finally over and done with and I greet the dark morning of late October with candles and cosy warmth, in our new red-bricked Victorian house. When Finn can walk to school and I can experience what it is to pick up the strings of routine and ritual all over again.
Impatient though I may be, I no longer feel petrified by stress, and though I swear my doctor’s face lit up with excitement when I told him I had both a pain in my left arm and a peculiar tingling in my left breast, I am rather hoping that all the heart tests and scans he has got me lined up for will reveal nothing more than the pain and movement of the hiatus hernia I have got tucked away in my chest wall. I feel so much better. I am back to practicing the rather comical version of yoga I indulge myself with, and though I am still struggling to eat much, I am nibbling at a number of mini-meals each day and remembering to have the voice inside my head speak kindlier words to myself daily. We women are so very hard on ourselves aren’t we?
There is much to catch up on and it has been nothing short of infuriating to not have been able to throw myself in to writing recently. But I am here now. Though I may have to come and go according to the whims of moving house and having working broadband in the process, I am here again. In mind if not always in body…
Autumn, dear darling Autumn cannot come soon enough.