So in an ironic twist of fate I have spent all day writing a post a huge number of you have asked for recently, on how I managed to bring up a child who has never had a sleepless night, never cries and goes to bed in a charming fashion.
Oh yes. I have waxed lyrical on all manner of baby whispering tricks like swaddling your babba, dream feeds, complete darkness and the importance of routine because until tonight I was one of the lucky few.
Now I find myself hiding in my bedroom listening to my loony toon toddler wander the range of all emotions from sweet persuasion ("I’m so proud of you Mummy, let’s just be happy!") to hilarious childish insults (Golly Gooseberries, YOU ARE A SILLY SLUG!"), statements of absolute fact ("All the policemen and all the goblins and all the mummies and all the builders and and all the flowertots and all the gangans and all the monsters in the world are tired, but I’m NOT!") and outraegously dramatic soliloquy's worthy of Shakespeare (Mummy, I’m just a little boy and I really, really like you. you is my best friend. I’ve got the biggest tummy and I’m sick in the head, don’t make me go to bed, I like you too much!")
Well my little man, I like you too, but Sweetie, Mummy is a very tired, kind of demented lady and I would be plain old ecstatic if you would just snuggle down into your cosy little bed and fall fast asleep for the next, ummmm 24 hours. Remember why, Darling? Remember getting up at two o’clock this morning and screaming blue murder for three hours? Remember spooking the life out of me by telling me that there was a man standing at the end of the bed and not to worry Mummy, because he’s looking after us and now he is going to stroke you Mummy?
Remember asking for baked beans and scrambly egg at 5.45? And finally my delicious little boy, remember falling asleep ten minutes before Mummy had to get up??
The child won’t go to bed and when he finally conks out, he won’t stay there, like, quite frankly, I insist he must. I have no clue what to do.
All this and an errant* husband.
*Errant- 1. Wandering, roving, especially in search of adventure. 2. Deviating from appointed course. straying. 3. Straying from the proper standards. 4. Moving aimlessly or irregularly as an errant breeze.
Well, yes, I think that just about sums him up.
I’m off to do battle. Wish me luck.