At My Bedside.

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One of the things I was dreading about  Autumn drawing in was suddenly finding myself trapped behind  drawn curtains night after night...

I've always loved Winter evenings: snuggly socks and hot chocolate, blankets tossed over the back of my armchair and stacks of library books. But until now there was someone on whom to rest my cashmere covered toes. Someone to laugh at me looking like a granny in my tatty old pink cardi, someone who would rather have a beer than a cocoa but cared enough to indulge me and my seasonal silliness regardless...

Now it's just me. Sustaining softly spoken loneliness with rubbish Tv and wrinkly skin from too long in steaming hot baths. Pretending I'm enjoying all this "me-time"  whilst quietly screaming inside because I can't even nip round to the shop to buy a pint of milk because my three year old angelic little monster is snoring in his little french daybed...

I'm going slightly nuts.

So I go to bed early. I turn all the lights off and dash scared (at 8.30 at night!) up the stairs, carrying my keys and phone in case the bogeyman gets me in the  dead of night. I drink my allotted glass of red wine and eat one perfect square of  Green and Blacks (how disciplined I have become!!), read trashy novels and flick through the channels on the little Tv I have set up next to the bed. I read tomorrows entry in Simple Abundance, light the candles on my bedside, check on my babba, worry a little bit, have the occasional dally around the internet and dream of what was, what is, what could have been and what, oh just what, may be around  the corner.

I dwell too much on things I have said. Promises made. Things not done. I ache for a hug. For someone to inspect the spot behind my ear and reassure me it ain't cancerous. To not be the one to have to get up, naked and goose pimpled with cold   to run into Finn's room when he falls out of bed. To have somebody to wonder  with, you know the kind of late night wonders that cross your mind just before you fall asleep? Somebody to wake up when it sounds like there are thirty rats running around the loft...

I don't have to be so scared. I'm a big girl. A mommy. And for all intents and purposes, a grown up. There on my bedside table stands everything I need to make me feel safe: my keys, my phones,  the glass  of water I never drink, the book I'm reading, a lamp to flick on if I can't sleep, lavender to soothe me and the teeny tiny trinkets that remind me  who I am. 

Everything I need.  And yet all at once I'm scared and calm, happy and sad.

But then tell me who isn't? Whatever their circumstances. This is life or something like it isn't it?

Sleep tight. Winter isn't far away.x

On My Wishlist...