“I knew who I was this morning. But I’ve changed a lot since then.”
Our very own wonderland, the internet, is a bewitching, bewildering bothersome place if ever there was one, and I fall down the rabbit hole daily, drinking in its madness and nibbling at all the little delicious nuggets I trip over and swallow whole. And sometimes choke on.
Sometimes I feel out of place. Too big. Too small. Too crazy. Too sensible. Too willing to try to please. To try to fit in. To want to stand out. To feel so exhausted by it all I need a lie down. Or so inspired I want to throw a party for all the other crazy ladies leading an online life like mine and trying to make it work because we know we have something that matters to share. That occasionally our words touch lives and change them for the better. And at other times they are just so much noise. A bit more gravy down the rabbit hole of life.
I have spoken about the conundrum of a life lived on the internet many times before. You have watched as I have chopped and changed, trying this and failing at that, sometimes finding something that works beautifully (hello my lovely Salon!) and often dabbling with that which doesn’t work at all: most often because I am trying to be something I am not and losing the very essence of myself along the way.
So here we are again. I tried something and it didn’t work and I have gnashed my teeth and pulled out my hair with worry over it and then yesterday, after another beseeching email from a reader crying “where on earth have YOU gone??” I had to admit that my Squarespace site wasn’t working. That somehow I had managed to squeeze every last drop of joy out of blogging in pursuit of something I imagined would both make life easier (and it did, but only because it was so very limited!) and somehow reflect the longevity and relative success of Brocantehome.
Look! Hasn’t she grown-up?
But you didn’t like it. My Dad didn’t like it. The dog probably didn’t like it! In fact I suspect very few people liked the grown-up version of the site. My sister said when (oh when!) will you get back to proper blogging? Another reader wrote to say she missed the Brocantehome of 2010. I missed the vintageyness. The muchiness. The fun of what Brocante used to mean to me because I came to feel like I was pretending to be someone else, shrinking and growing and feeling worried, as if I had wandered off on holiday and would somehow, one day find myself home again, though I knew not how.
And then yesterday, it suddenly struck me that I could go home. I could rewind the site back to what it was before I decided to simplify my way into sensible formality. I could just go back and it would be ok and kind of lovely and I would feel inspired again and able to be much muchier again and I could blog about all the things that make my heart sing without worrying about the mechanics of blogging because you the reader don’t care about the mechanics of blogging and I want to both please myself and as a reflection of my own contentment, please you too…
So here we are. Back to the site as it was. Though no doubt it won’t stay like this for always because a static life is terribly bad for veins that need to be thrilled by the throb of constant inspiration, for now it is back. And pink. and soothing. And we can all pretend Squarespace never happened because in this life we are ABSOLUTELY entitled to try on different shoes, decide if they fit and if they don’t kick them off and slip into something cosier…
This then is a welcome home to me. And a thank-you to you for always being so very kind and allowing me to drink this and grow and eat that and shrink as and when I need to. I love you.x