But I’m vain enough to want to share.
Forgive my introspection. I’m trying to remember who I am.
1. The pink cardigan I am wearing in the picture above is my favorite garment in the the world. (My Mum has wonderful taste). I have loved it into holes.
2. There are knickers in my drawer I have owned for seventeen years. Yes. I’m cringing too.
3. I sometimes find myself struck dumb in conversation. I’m not half as articulate in real life as I am on paper.
4. I burn cakes on a weekly basis. It is the ovens fault.
5. Thunder and lightening makes me cry. And yes I know it’s only God playing bowls…
6. I like reality TV more than I should. I suspect it makes me a bad person.
7. I pout in pictures. If there is a camera in the vicinity, I’m there: pouting. Somebody show me how to smile.
8. My favorite thing in the world is going to the tip with my dad. It reminds me of being a little girl.
9. When I was seven I had a teacher called Mr Hadaway. He lent me his ancient copy of The Hobbit and I have loved reading ever since. He taught me what it is to have faith in someones abilities. To believe they can.
10. Cooking fish terrifies me. I’m convinced I’ll kill whoever I inflict it on.
11. You mustn’t touch my belly button. I will hit you if you do.
12. Blame Helen. She once shoved a fork in it.
13. I was a runner up in the Elle Magazine Talent Competition when I was 18. They invited me to The Groucho Club, but my Mum wouldn’t let me go. Mother!!
14. When I closed my eyes as a child I could see an old lady in a velvet cloche talking to me. But I could never hear what she was saying. She’s gone now and I miss her.
15. There is always a candle burning somewhere in my house.
16. I disappoint myself on a regular basis. Terrible thing is disappointment.
17. Sometimes the mess Finley makes, makes me want to scream out loud. I can’t live with it, yet often find myself too tired to do anything about it.
18. I won a place on a prestigious knitwear design degree course when I was nineteen. Couldn’t knit then. Can’t knit now. But apparently my inability to knit wasn’t an issue as I was texturally inclined. I didn’t go. Being technically incompetent scared me.
19. Sadly I’m falling out of love with magazines. Its been a life long affair.
20. If I don’t like a person I can’t look them in the eye. It’s an affliction I despise in myself.
21. I like eating corn on the cob drowning in so much butter it runs down my chin.
22. I do the internet dating thing. It makes my mum want to punch me.
23. I’m not as green as I should be. I put an empty tin of beans in the bin yesterday and I can’t stop worrying about it.
24. Somebody needs to tell me that swinging a pretty bra from a doorknob does not a decorated house make. Especially when its a not so delicate size 38dd…
25. I am a member of the happy happy world of Haribo. I looooove jelly sweets.
26. My sense of “home” is integral to who I am, but it isn’t wrapped in bricks and mortar. I could leave here tomorrow.
27. I’m not remotely political but my sense of what is right and wrong is well-honed.
28. My teenage diaries make me laugh. I love that teenage me. She didn’t know how pretty she was.
29. I’m not sure what kind of car I drive. But I know it’s a scrumptious shade of minty green.
30. I’m five foot seven tall. Just in case you have ever wondered.
31. I would have received a first class honours degree were it not for the fact that I failed the computer element of my course. Oh the irony of it…
32. Buy me sunflowers and you have bought me a little bit of happiness.
33. I’ve taken up ordering pizza on a Friday night and throwing myself a little party.
34. I adore the fragrance of old fashioned face powder.
35. My Nana had a pair of snakeskin platform shoes I still covet today.
36. I suffer from blog envy. It isn’t healthy.
37. I have a gold tooth. Finley calls it my mouth earring.
38. I never watch the news. Never, ever, never.
39. I quite fancy Russell Brand. Is that wrong??
40. I’m aching to wash my hair in Vosene. Just for a trip down memory lane.
41. I can’t get enough of white tea at the moment. It is delicate- like me…lol.
42. I can’t be dealing with people who litter their textual conversation with nonsensical nonsense like lol. What’s all that about?? Lol.x
43. When I worked as an interior designer I was constantly irked by my clients notion that the right wallpaper would make their house a home.
44. Finley lies on my head a lot. It isn’t comfortable, but I can hear his heartbeat.
45. Watching re-runs of the The Rugrats on video is my most secret vice.
46. Actually thats not true.
47. I never wear a watch.
48. I go to bed when I’m tired. Whether its 8.00 in the evening or 2.00 in the morning. I’m good at listening to my body.
49. I once told my parents there was a petrol station on fire around the corner, and lo and behold, when we got around the corner, there was a petrol station on fire. Plainly I was a spooky kid.
50. I carry a glass of water to bed every evening and never, ever drink it.
51. I fall into besottment (yes, I made that word up) very easily, (and out of it twice as quick!) but I’ve only been in love twice.
52. I’m just mad about (Saffron) carrot cake. But not with sultanas thank you very much.
53. I consider dried fruit to be the work of the devil.
54. I don’t think I’m anywhere near my creative peak. Give me ten years and help me shake off my appalling laziness and damaging fear of success…
55. I’m astonished by other womens interest in material possessions.
56. I spend more money on food and wine than I do anything else. It is the stuff of life.
57. I don’t believe in saving for a rainy day. But occasionally I wish I did.
58. I can’t bear the sound of other people breathing. Most unfortunate it is.
59. I fall in love with creative women a lot. I don’t want to sleep with them. I just want to know how it feels to be them. How their minds work.
60. I would sell my soul for an antique Aubusson rug.
61. I want to marry a man like him with the big moustache from Its Not Easy Being Green. Someone with ideals. And dreams. And a creative mind I am astonished by. Oh and can-do. Yes, thats what I want: a man with can-do…
62. I once spilt a whole can of cream emulsion on a clients new sisal flooring. And nearly threw up in sheer horror.
63. Three hours after Finley was born by ceasarean section, I remember watching Mark sitting in the hospital armchair reading a newspaper, and knowing then that things weren’t how they should be.
64. I’m not a very good Yummy Mummy. I can’t be dealing with discussing sleeping patterns and faddy eating habits. I get bored and say naughty things just to change the subject.
65. I say naughty things a lot. My mouth runs away with me.
66. I could eat watercress till it grew out of my ears.
67. I feel like a fake. One day someone is going to catch me out.
68. My kitchen is falling down. Tis a depressing state of affairs.
69. I don’t want Finley to be an only child. The thought of it breaks my heart.
70. The rudest woman I ever worked for wanted me to go the toilet in the field behind her house rather than use one of the six beautiful bathrooms in her house. Oh those Goddamn Nouveau Riche…
71. I have the most appalling knees.
72. I cannot abide sunbathing. Drives me doo-lally.
73. Sunglasses make my nose ache. So I wear them on my head and squint a lot.
74. I trust the universe implicitly.
75. Plonk me in the corner of an art gallery and I’m happy.
76. I’m a people watcher. Constantly offering them imagined lives and noting their quirkiest traits down, ready to inflict them on the characters in the novel I’m writing in my dreams.
77. My fridge died last week and every scrap of food had to be thrown away. It struck me as bizarrely liberating.
78. Intelligence excites me.
79. Never lend me anything. I will l-o-s-e it.
80. I’m a talc fiend. I sprinkle it all over the place and tell visitors Finley ran riot with the lavender scented Johnsons.
81. I never eat breakfast cereal. Thats not normal is it?
82. When The Daily Mail came to photograph the house last week I shoved the laundry into bin bags and dragged it out into the car. Please don’t tell anyone.
83. I am more relaxed having an afternoon bo-bose on my Mums sofa than I am anywhere else. It makes me feel safe.
84. I wasn’t that fussed on Paris. Give me the Lake district anyday. Am I missing some kind of romantic gene?
85. I love poetry. But I can’t listen to it spoken out loud. I can’t hear it that way. I need somehow to internalise it to understand it. And more than that I don’t want the character of she who reads it to taint the meaning I bring to it.
86. I don’t believe in organised childrens activities. Finley is left to his own devices much of the time and his imagination knows no bounds.
87. I used to paint my lips Paloma Picasso red and pretend I was one of Robert Palmers backing singers in the video to “Addicted To Love”…
88. I can’t remember who I was between the ages of 25 and 29. Where did I go then? They are my lost years.
89. Watching Anthea Turner shape a towel into a turtle in her very silly housekeeping programme made me want to burn my pinny in housewifely shame.
90. I want to be Helen and steal all her beautiful clothes.
91. I never look at my reflection head on in the mirror… I kind of slope up on myself.
92. I like modern art: or at least I like the idea of having to think about it. To layer it with my own emotions and make sense of it in any way I can. I like being forced to think.
93. I am my own worst enemy. Always have been. I swear I go out of my way to thwart relationships and creative endeavours.
94. I’m a different person to who I was last year though aren’t I? I love it that you know me.
95. I can’t do long division.
96. I’m turning into a Youtube addict. People are just sooooo crazy. I love it.
97. My arms aren’t as hairy as they used to be. Why? Has life sandpapered them smooth? Why isn’t life sandpapering my legs or my godforsaken bikini line??
98. I used to play Gregorian chant music all the time in my little shop. It was a nice place to be.
99. But I was the worst shopkeeper in the world.
100. Life hurts.
101. But I can’t remember being this content before…