I’m having a stupid weekend.
On Friday I did something I will probably regret forever, something that makes me shudder just thinking about it, because I allowed myself to be vulnerable, told the truth, revealed too much of who I am, and gave away a little piece of me I can never have back. Doesn’t matter what it was, only matters that it hurts so much it almost chokes me.
Once upon a time someone told me to never tell an American I have carpet in my bathroom, but oops, I’ve said it. Two truths in one weekend. I have carpet in my bathroom. Isn’t it a terrible state of affairs? Is this the kind of thing that can send you winging your way into social leprousy in the USA?
I tell you this because I feel kind of loose. As if there is no stopping my mouth running away with me, and almost as if I just don’t care. As if , if I don’t start wandering around whispering the truth, I may find myself standing on a soapbox in the middle of Hyde Park shouting it from the rooftops.
So Friday I whispered the truth and when I didn’t get a response I sort of shouted (Kinda: I HAVE CARPET IN MY BATHROOM! WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT??) you have to listen to me, I’m hurting here, and the truth went down like a lead balloon, but hey ho it is out there now and there is just no means of unsaying things no matter how much we want to…
We get used to censoring ourselves don’t we? We write in these blogs daily and none of us ever tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Lets face it, it just wouldn’t do: we would frighten the horses, scare the kids, disappoint our Mothers and reveal ourselves to be too human. By telling the whole truth, by seeking reassurance, justification or simply an ear to listen we fear merely inviting rejection, judgement or the kind of shock we apply to those willing to speak out loud the dreams and nightmares we all endure. It is nothing other than human nature and if we are honest it is human nature we fear most. And so we whisper, we force our readers to read between the lines and we beg them to understand whatever it is they think we are trying to say. And everyone of them happily plays along with the charade…
But what would happen if we didn’t? What if instead of issuing carefully constructed posts full of half truths, we embraced "wild mind", starting typing whatever was playing on our minds and then pressed publish? Without checking for spelling mistakes, or socially innappropriate admissions? Ignoring the inner voice that screams "You can’t say that!!" and said it regardless. What if all us admitted to having carpet in our bathroom and decided to live with the consequences…
I regret much of what I said on Friday. I let myself be vulnerable. but in the end regret is part of who we are and we have to allow it form a layer between what is real and what is not.
Maybe it is time to judged on who we really are, on our bad taste in unsanitary floor coverings and our total, absolute willingness to cry out loud.
To dare to dream regardless.