Amber, Sweetie, you realise this is akin to giving me permission to bore the entire blogosphere don’t you? I thank you, I thank you, I thank you…
1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?
New England. Not the real one, but the one I made up. The place I’m running away to in a camper van with Cath Kidstion curtains when I’ve shrugged off all obligation and responsibility and am free to be the eccentric old bat I suspect I’m destined to be…
I want a wrap-around porch. A dog. Chickens with fancy plumes that lay blue eggs I can scramble with parmesan for breakfast. A bit of water with quacky baby ducks I can see from my twiggy rocking chair, enough books to last me a lifetime, crazy neighbours with woolly hats and a baldy old soulmate chopping wood in the distance.
2. What’s your favorite article of clothing?
So here’s the thing. Today I’m wearing knickers with holes in, and today no doubt is gonna be the day that I get knocked over by a bus and find myself having to explain my deep rooted attachment to a pair of silver knickers that hardly serve their purpose anymore. I love them. It’s a happy day when I find them on top of my knicker drawer. I have no shame, Ladies. None whatsoever.
3. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
Do you have to ask me questions like this? Is it not a well established fact that I love men, full stop? I like cuddly ones and skinny ones, muscly ones and ones with silly accents. I like the back of a mans neck, where his hair is shaved away to nothing and the dip above his buttocks where his back curves. I like the top of mens feet, the tickly bit behind their knees and various other places it would make me blush to mention.
Bet you are sorry you asked now.
the last CD that you bought?
Well Lordy, I can’t remember the last time I wandered into a shop and bought a cd, but somebody gave me copies of both Razorlight and Paulo Nuttini’s latest and I am wearing a groove in Razorlights "Before I Fall to Pieces" and Paolos "Last Request". Still.
5.Where’s your favorite place to be?
Bed. Oh how I love my bed. I’ve never met one I like more than my own.
6. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Inside my head the week before my period. I treat myself terrible. Take myself aside and call myself all the silly old bints under the sun and am generally quite cruel to me and all the daft decisions I have ever made from the day I was three. Apart from that, as long as I am in the vicinity of a kettle and some dark chocolate I generally find being relatively content wherever I am, scrumptiously easy.
your favorite place to be massaged?
It is, I think, my skin that senses my loneliness the most.
I ache to be touched. Somehow. Anyhow. But failing that, massage my ego and I’ll be your bestest friend for life.
8.Strong in mind or strong in body?
Strong in body is just laughable. The other day I bought more shopping than was strictly necessary and nearly died dragging it home. I swear my arms are three inches longer than they were last week. I can’t run or ride a bike, I catch a cold at the drop of a hat and physically thought pregnancy was hell on earth, twitchy legs and all. But strong in mind. Yes. Well, no. Not like I used to be. I am downright incapable of recognising when a person does not deserve my attention, let alone my heart. I haven’t got the willpower I was born with, bite my nails and have to hide my mobile phone from myself in fear of calling someone I’ve promised I won’t. And you know what? I frequently find myself in all kinds of silly situations because I have long given up listening to my ever so wise voice of reason. Good job I like myself regardless.
9.What time do you wake up in the morning?
Please God as late as possible. But generally when Finley shatters my peace with his gorgeous morning greeting: Good Morning Mummy, Are you having a lie off (lie in) this morning Beautiful Lady or shall we go and have cherry jammy toast??
10. What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
My love affair with my dishwasher is, I think, well documented. If it got down on one knee and presented me with a flashy diamond ring, I would marry it tomorrow.
11.What makes you really angry?
Well now you are asking. You ready? Mariah Carey. Mark (I could squash his head with a frying pan right now). Mad milkmen. Mice. Mostly things beginning with an M apparently. Liars or bless their little souls, expanders of the truth. Finleys irrational urge to do six jigsaws at the same time. Being woken up in the midst of a dream I prefer to the day ahead. Dried scrambled egg on vintage dishes. The hole in my kitchen lino. The bins only being collected every fortnight. Tony Blair and his smiley wife. Ulrika Johnson. The Jade Goody/Racism row. (Bless her cotton socks.) The frost that murdered my primulas overnight. Coeliacs disease and the fear of it making my little boy feel different. Girls without coats in the depths of Winter. Mommies who don’t believe in giving very nauny children a good old fashioned telling off. Olives. Green, black or purple with blue spots, I don’t care, just don’t slip them anywhere I’m not expecting to find them!! Oh and anyone touching my belly button. Goodness, I could go on and on.
you could play any instrument, what would it be?
There are two things in life I don’t want to do: one is drive a long distance lorry and the other is play an instrument. Any instrument. I believe in sticking to what I am good at: taking baths and baking quiches.
13. Favorite color?
Now theres a question I don’t know the answer to. I believe I am a pink kind of girl but the truth is that authentically I am drawn to yellow ochre, a certain shade of red and olivey green in all it’s mossy glory and the sooner I face up to this fact the better.
14.Which do you prefer…sports car or SUV?
Rah. Rah. Rah! Cars make me mad. Now before we get started, can I just confirm that an SUV is a four wheel drive affair? I it isn’t I apologise. But if it is I want you to know that the yummy mummies of suburbia driving either gigantic affairs or mini sports things make me cross. Four wheel drives are only acceptable if you live in the middle of the countryside and sports cars are only acceptable if you are Jeremy Clarkson or his titchy little Richard friend, or indeed anyone else who thinks it is ok to risk your life and your dignity by driving a silly flash car. It is beyond me why we can’t all drive Smart cars. Goodness. I really am a stroppy little Madam aren’t I?
15. Do you believe in an afterlife?
No. absolutely not. But once upon a time I was stencilling in this old victorian house all by myself, when in wandered an old man and told me to tell Mary (the owner of the house) that her Dad had dropped by. So I did. And watched the colour drain from her face, as she showed me a picture of the very same man in a flatcap. Her Dad. The same Dad who had recently passed away.
I don’t wanna believe, but some things are what they are and if there is an afterlife, please can I have thin thighs and a very tiny bottom there?
Flat Stanley. A Squash and A Squeeze. Guess How Much I love You. My Naughty Little Sister. The entire Malory Towers and St Claires series, and because I am forced to endure Lola’s irrationally charming sense of logic on a nightly basis at the moment, every Charlie and Lola book the lovely Lauren Child has ever written.
17. What is your favorite season?
Here’s what I think: I suspect dear Housekeepers that you have caught me somewhat in transit: carting my personality off on a very personal mission to swap it with my mum’s. I used to think Winter was the bestest, cosiest season ever. My Mum always thought I was a bit mental. But this Winter has been just short of hell and to say I’m looking forward to the bliss of Sunny days would be an understatement on the scale of announcing that my Mum wouldn’t mind helping me bash Mark’s head in with a frying pan either.
18. Your least favorite household chore?
I don’t like pulling my long,straggly hair out of the plugholes. I’m not that fussed on cleaning the oven or the toilet for that matter. I hate sorting socks, ironing sheets or boiling potatoes because they smell to high heaven. I don’t like emptying bins, scraping food off plates or wiping snotty noses. But Darlings, ask me to defluff the tumble dryer filter and you’ll find me dancing about in domestic ecstasy in the laundry room.
you could have one super power, what would it be?
Just one? Well I’m not happy about that for a start. I want a rewind button and a fast forward button please. I want a pause and lets live like this forever button, the ability to see good in all things plain old disastrous and a smile in the face of adversity switch on the back of my neck , if it isn’t too much trouble?
20.If you have a tattoo, what is it?
I don’t have a tattoo.
Actually though, while we are on the subject Housekeepers, there is this poor Mummy at my nursery gates who hangs about in the depths of Winter with bare chapped legs and a serpent trailing above her patent leather stilettos (Just as a quick aside, I used to think patent leather was spelled paint and leather. Why did I tell you that? I have no idea. Tolerate me?). Now we, the good ladies of our little town, are somewhat snobby and some (naming no names) have seen fit to wink at each other and declare poor little Thomas’s Mummy to be a "lady of the night". Just because the poor woman had someone draw a snake on her ankle!! It is a scandel of the highest order, so as soon as I can get over my crippling shyness I am determined to make her a friend. Let’s just see what they make of my red shiny high heels and push up bra at quarter past one in the afternoon, hey??
21.Can you juggle?
Why Sweetheart of course I can. I can type an overlong post for BrocanteHome, while roasting a chicken, cooling a heart shaped flapjack, letting a face mask freeze my features, answering the door to the gas meter man, talking to my Mum on the phone and swinging a three year old around my neck.
And pick the right day and I am sometimes to be found juggling bundles of child sized socks in the bathroom. With aplomb, I might add.
The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk
He knows who he is. I miss his voice.
your favorite day?
Today? Yesterday? Tomorrow. Every single one of you knows I am making a monumental effort to be happy on a daily basis, but if you really must force the issue, I’ve always had a soft spot for Tuesday afternoons.
24. What’s in the trunk of your car?
Ummm, a spare wheel with a hole in it? Some of Mark’s junk he has yet to see fit to remove from the house. A blanket, in case me and Finn find ourselves stranded in a ditch. Some linseed oil soaked stencil card and a box of stencil paint I cart around in case I ever feel the urge to have a career again. A bag of books on their way to Oxfam. A hammer, a torch and old coat. An empty pink basket for my shopping and various Power Rangers that have fallen out of Finn’s pram and met a horrible death under too many bags of supermarket food.
25. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
Chips and gravy, with a cheese and onion pie, and lots of salt and vinegar, from the local Greek chippy please. And a can of coke if you’ve got enough pennies in your pocket…