Ugh. I am having an ugly day.
I would like to tell you that it is a hormone related matter. But that would be a lie.
I’m just feeling a bit bluesy and naturally, being a woman, that translates into Oh my Lord you are soooo fat. And your hair is frizzy. And your stomach looks like it might pop if you put a pin in it. And yes that is a spot on my cheek. And another on my chin. And hells bell’s getting thinner just means you get kind of flabbier…
You know how it is. The reason why you can’t have the very thing you oh so desperately ache for is because you’ve got a bum the size of a bus. It’s the cause of all your problems…
So in an effort to chase away the blues and some unexplained water retention, I am doing the Epsom Salt thing. Do you do that? Oh you so should! It’s the perfect treatment for when the world doesn’t feel right and you’ve mixed up misery with fat thighs and are feeling so twitchy that any chance of sleep is thwarted by sheer frustration for something you cannot change.
I have lit too many candles. Tumble dryed my towels into yummy fluffiness and laid them over the radiator ready to snuggle in. The bath is steaming hot and if you could see me now in my oh so silly green face mask, I’d be the laughing stock of the blogosphere…
There are no bubbles in the bath. But then I won’t be wearing lipstick or a turban either! However dissolving as we speak are 3 big boxes of Epsom Salts (Ask at the pharmacy counter for the big boxes.). The reason? Well quite frankly I’m not sure, and I would hate to lay claims that aren’t true: but what I know is this: you sit in the piping hot water for twenty minutes and my darlings you sweat profusely. Oh I know! That conjures up all kinds of too horrible to think about images, but as long as you have neither high blood pressure, nor a heart condition, it is the closest thing to heaven. Trust me.
When the water starts to cool, you get out, wrap yourself up in lots and lots of warm towels and go and lie down in your lavender scented bedroom. You just lie there. Feeling kind of pink and a teeny bit flustered and occasionally a tad faint. So there is no reading. No painting your nails. You just lie there. Still. For twenty minutes. Then you take a cool shower and dress in something very, very snuggly and go straight to bed for the best nights sleep you will have had in a very long time.
The next day you wake up feeling irrationally skinny, baby bottom smooth and ready to take on the world.
Or the laundry.