My Mum – A Love Story


mum

There are things no-one tell you about death. They do not tell you how still it makes you inside. They do not tell you how it will feel to hold your beautiful Mums face in your hands, while you try to ignore how unnatural it feels to touch such ice cold flesh. They do not say that the blood will pool under her skin. That she will still be smiling even after death. They do not say that the man who guides you in to the chapel of rest the following day will cry silent tears with you and the policeman sent to see you and your Dad in hospital will be clumsy and stupid as he tries to establish the cause of the bruise on her neck where those stern paramedics pumped adrenaline into her veins as she lay dying, or perhaps already gone, on her own bedroom floor.

For it is true. My Mum has gone. My Mum has gone. My Mum has gone. My Mum has gone.

I want to write it in the sky. I want to scream NO at the top of my voice. I want to tell each stranger I see in the street. To tell them how very unfair it is that we are alive and she is not. But I have had to tell so many people. Delivered nightmarish phone-calls to my own sister and my Mums sister. I have sat in my Mum’s conservatory listening to her hairdresser (of all people) shout NO into the phone.  Over and over again. I have told her friends and when they became inconsolable, calmly asked to speak to their husbands and instead, explained what happened, to them.

I don’t know why I am writing today. I wasn’t sure I could. I was scared she might have taken my words with her. But even though as I type, real tears are finally flowing, this is what I needed to do today because I know no other way to pour out my grief. To make sense of something so utterly ridiculous. I know no other way because the only alternative is to phone her and I can’t be sure she will take my call in heaven. The only alternative to writing is to call her and tell her my head hurts, that I have slept with Dad in her living room for the past two nights, both of us taking a sofa each. That he has whimpered in his sleep and he is worried about never understanding the washing machine. There is still so much to say you see? Children to be grown without her guiding hand. Thank you’s to be whispered over and over again. A garden she didn’t get to enjoy because Summer didn’t come soon enough.

I am scared to miss her. I do not know whether to be angry. I am so very wide awake. And Finley. My little boy. A boy who could not leave the room without giving his Nana the seven kisses she always demanded of him. When I told him, in the early evening of the day she died that she was gone, he put his hands over his ears for a moment and then told me that he needed to get back to playing with Eleanor and that my darling Kath had made him sausages for his tea and he wanted to eat them before we went to stand in the midst of my entire family, grouped together in her kitchen without our beating heart.

I am scared to be without her. This is the first blog post I have ever written that she will not read. I do not know what words will flow out of me in all my tomorrows without her presence to censor everything that is ridiculous about me. I do not know if the sight of her on her bedroom floor will ever leave me. Her eyes wide open. Whether it was right to tell the man at the hospital not to wash her freshly blown hair because she wouldn’t like it if it was frizzy. That we wouldn’t recognise her and that for all the days in-between her death and her burial Dad and I will go and stroke her face and tell her stories and that while we are doing that, we need to still recognise her. To still be able to find her under her red velvet blanket.

This then is a love story. Like all the women in her family before, my Mum has died in her early sixties. (Stolen. Kidnapped. Taken). Still so very beautiful. For only the very, very beautiful die young don’t they? She was, as you know, both my best friend and my fiercest critic. She was everything I am and so many wonderful things I am not. She was my Fridays. My partner in crime. My closest confidante.My most feared opponent. She was my good morning and my goodnight.

My Mum is gone. My Mum. Italics are not enough enough to make it clear how absolutely ludicrous that sentence feels to me.

Night night Momma. No-one will ever again love me like you did and I will never again love with same fury, certainty and gratitude.

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96 comments on “My Mum – A Love Story

  1. What an enormous, shocking loss. I am so sorry. You’ll be in my prayers today.

    • Kathy on said:

      My dear Alison I am so terribly sorry to hear about your tragic loss. I lost my darling mom 10 years ago and I grieve for her every day – she was my best friend. Take care of yourself and your loved ones. Sending you love.

  2. Oh Alison. I’m so deeply sorry.

  3. Karla Neese on said:

    Dearest Alison, my heart cannot even begin to offer words close enough to soothe this hurt. Just know I am thinking and praying for you. Thank you for the bravery to share with us. We are all here with you in whatever way we can be. I mourn with you.

  4. Kassie on said:

    Alison – there are no words…sending you Love, Light and Hugs xx

  5. Laura on said:

    I am SO VERY sorry Alison. I feel awful for you.
    Even though both my parents are now gone, it’s my Mum I miss the most. As you said.. no one will ever love you like that again. I sit here with tears streaming down my face because even though mine has been gone almost 7 months.. the pain (at times) is still so overwhelming.
    Life goes one.. of course it does. But it’s never the same.
    Eventually, you will feel her presence with you at times. Right now it’s too horrible. So much pain.. how can you feel anything but that right now? It will come though…

    Keeping you close in my thoughts. Again.. I am so very, very sorry.
    ((Hugs))
    Laura

  6. Wilhelmina on said:

    Alison, I am so very sorry. So sorry about this stunning, tragic, sudden loss of your mum. Just so terribly sorry.

  7. Having known the heartbreak of sudden loss, I grieve for you and with you. I am so very sorry dear Alison.

  8. Gwyn on said:

    I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Your post today was a beautiful tribute to your mom. Take care of yourself.

  9. Lynn Dirk on said:

    Oh Dear Alison, my heart is absolutely broken for you and your family and dear Finn. My prayers, my thoughts, my tears, my love, my hugs go out to you. So very sad and so very sorry.

  10. Heather F on said:

    I am so sorry, Alison.

  11. Alison I am truly heartbroken for your devastating loss.

    Sending you the virtual support and hugs that we have in this online world.

    Victoria xx

  12. Oh, my, this is so shocking! My sympathies to you, Allison, in your great loss! She was a beautiful woman, and I can see where you get your beauty from. Will be praying for you, dear one.

  13. Oh goodness Alison, I’m so, so very sorry. I want to say words, but I don’t have words, and I don’t know you, not really. But go easy on yourself, feel whatever you need to feel, go where you need to go, be loved, and receive grace.

  14. Annette on said:

    I am sorry.
    I am one one those clumsy ill prepared police officers who try to make sense of the things that make no sense, it is never easy.
    I truly am sorry.

  15. There just aren’t words. I wish there was something to do or say to make it better. I know it is inadequate but sending you love xx

  16. Chris on said:

    She was lovely. Thinking of you.

  17. I’m so sorry.

  18. Dolores Lynn on said:

    Alison, my heart is breaking for you.

  19. Alyson on said:

    So, so sorry Alison x

  20. Suzanne Harris on said:

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is a nightmare, and it hurts to know you’re going through this. Love to you and your family.

  21. Tiff on said:

    Alison, I went to read your post this morning (COLO, USA) to get a bit of inspiration before housekeeping when I came upon your post. My heart hurts for you and your family. I am so sorry for all of the pain you are feeling and will always feel with this loss. Your words touched me and I hope you will be comforted to know even across the big Atlantic, that people are thinking of you and praying for your comfort. Wishing I could lend you a shoulder to cry and and let you weep.

  22. Victoria on said:

    Dear Alison, I am so very sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  23. Suzi on said:

    Alison, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful mother. I am shocked and saddened as I’ve followed your blog for so long and love the stories of your family. I lost my mother two years ago and I know the pain you are feeling right now. You will always miss her but you will feel her presence with you, I believe that. I am praying for you and your family. I pray for your comfort and peace. May God bless you all.

    Suzi

  24. jewels on said:

    I am so very so luv

  25. Laura on said:

    Alison, what a shock. I am so so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. xxx

  26. alexandra Zimmerman on said:

    Oh wow. Life is so unfair and rough. I too lost my mother, she fell and hit her head. So traumatizing. I have no words of wisdom to give you. Only my deepest empathy. It never goes away, you just learn to live with a different world. Much love and light from the USA.

  27. Elaine P on said:

    So very, very sorry Alison.
    Take good care of yourself + yours xx

  28. Susanna on said:

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. She sounds a wonderful woman I cannot imagine how you feel, but my heart goes out to you. My mother died when I was only three, she was just 23, she never saw me go to school, get married, hug my children or read my blog.

    While it might not seem comforting, you have a lifetime of love and memories that remain with you always – what the heart has once it never loses.

    If roses grow in heaven,
    Lord, pick a bunch for me,
    Place them in my mother’s arms
    And tell her they’re from me,
    Tell her that I love her
    And when she turns to smile
    Place a kiss upon her cheek
    And hold her for a while.
    Because remembering is easy,
    I do it every day,
    And there’s an ache within my heart
    because I’m missing her today.

  29. Jacki on said:

    So so sorry to hear your news Alison, I started to read your blog shortly after my Mum died 8 years ago, it was interesting and funny of course, but it was also a source of comfort because I knew she would have enjoyed reading it too. I hope and pray that you will find places of comfort too at this difficult time. Be very very kind to yourself. Sending love. X

  30. Alison, I am so shocked and saddened to hear this news. My heart aches for the grief that you are feeling. I am shedding tears for the beautiful lady in the photo who was such a huge part of your life. x

  31. Margaret on said:

    I don’t know what else to say apart from how sorry I am for your loss.

  32. Keri on said:

    Alison and Finley- I am so terribly terribly sorry. You are in my thoughts and my heart.

  33. Shellia on said:

    Alison, I am so sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your beloved mother. It has only been 2 months since my other dear mama passed away (very suddenly on Christmas Eve). My heart aches for you and Finley.

  34. Sasha on said:

    Oh my goodness me, such a shock I cannot imagine and so I can only offer you my most sincere sympathy and sadness for your tremendous loss. Such beautiful words you have written as a wonderful tribute to your Mum, and to your own heart. My heart reaches out to all of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  35. Jane on said:

    Dear Alison

    I am so sorry and saddened to read of your heartbreaking loss….my thoughts are with you and your little boy.

  36. Anne Bradbury on said:

    I am so very sorry Alison. I have been a reader for many years and I loved to hear about your family. Please be kind to yourself over the coming year. Cry lots and get plenty of rest and spend time with your family. Sending you and your family love and kind thoughts.

  37. Dear Alison. I am so very sorry to read you most distressing and sad news. My thoughts are with you, your son and your family.
    Lisa x

  38. Dawn on said:

    I’m so sorry. *hugs*

    I lost my mom going on 11 years ago. She was only 64 years old. She had been fine that morning when my stepfather left to play golf. When he got home later that afternoon, he found her dead on the kitchen floor. No lingering deaths in my family. Seems like everyone just drops dead whether 64, 83, or 90 years old.

    It was such a shock.

    You will be in a state of shock for a time, grief, moments of confusion about the realness of it, vivid dreams, anger. But you will get through this and sooner than you think you will be able to talk about your mom and laugh and think back on her with tenderness instead of with pain.

  39. lynne on said:

    Oh Alison. How you managed to write about this I cannot fathom. I hope it has been a little cathartic for you. Remember that all of us who read your blog are suffering with you, even if not all of us post. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve. It will come in waves. Be kind to yourself and your dad. You all must be reeling.

    Love to you and hugs from across the pond. I am so very sorry for your monstrous loss.

  40. Gillian on said:

    Dear Alison, there are no words to express how very sorry I am to read this. You are all in my thoughts, love and hugs to you all as you navigate these difficult times. Xxx

  41. Holly on said:

    My beautiful Godmother is gone, I’m heartbroken I’ll never hear her call my ‘ange’ or ‘sweetheart’ again.
    When I look at my own beautiful mum I see her heart is broken in two for she has lost more of a sister than a best friend.
    Love you all Al, give my uncle George a kiss for me xxxx

  42. Mellie on said:

    Oh, I am so very deeply sorry for the loss of your Mum! My thoughts and prayers are with you and darling Finley and your entire family!

  43. Fleur on said:

    Alison, my heart is breaking for you. I am so very, very sorry. Xxx

  44. jademichele on said:

    Oh,Alison,there are no words for such a time as this-please know we,your Readers,are with you in Spirit-sending love & prayers for you and your family <3

  45. Caroline on said:

    I am so very sorry for your loss Alison.

  46. Sharon Smith on said:

    It’s been so long since I’ve visited your website and I’ve missed it. This sad entry is the first I’ve seen in a long time, and I’m just so so sorry, Alison. I think what you’ve said here from your heart is so very honoring to your mother and so very helpful to those who have suffered such a loss and didn’t know how to put their feelings into words. I cried as I read them. I’m praying for your family.

  47. Pam Wantink on said:

    So very sorry for all of you, Alison. Losing those we love is so very hard, but losing our mom sets us adrift in this world. Know that she is and always will be with you. May thoughts of all you shared bring a smile even through your tears. Praying or strength and comfort that words simply cannot bring.

  48. martha on said:

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  49. Amanda Roberson on said:

    Alison, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hard to lose your Mum no matter how old you are. My prayers are with you.

  50. Carol-Anne on said:

    I’m so very very sorry for your loss. I know that’s not nearly enough, but it’s all I have & I give it with love.

  51. Alexa McCabe on said:

    So so very very sorry 🙁 words are not enough ! So sorry.

  52. Colleen on said:

    Alison

    I was so very sorry to read your news today.
    My own mum died suddenly in October while visiting us from England, so I can so very much relate to the shock, loss and sense of unreality.
    Let me tell you this though… Your lovely mum will continue to be with you and you will know her strength, love and support in your life. It is her physical presence you are grieving.
    I am a teacher at the Maharishi school in victoria Canada and I know from your blog that Finn
    Attends the school in England. We will all be thinking of you and your family at this very hard
    Time and holding you all in love and prayer.

  53. Barbara on said:

    Dearest Alison, This is beyond words. Sadness of this measure is hard to console but words are all we have. You are held in love by all your readers. I lost my Mother when I was 9 – Motherless Daughters have ever more awareness of the treasure love is.
    You are held in my heart and prayers.
    Barbara x

  54. Oh God, I am so sorry Alison. I am truly shocked and moved. Your love for both your parents was always so very clear, and shines through this post. My very best wishes and hugs to you and your family, I hope that you find strength and comfort in each other.

  55. Kali on said:

    Oh my sweet girl, I have no words…I’m so saddened and so sorry for your devastating loss… My heartfelt condolences, Kali :'(

  56. Esther on said:

    Dear Alison,
    My heart weeps for you…
    I,m so sorry you lost your lovely mum.
    Sending you lots of love ,strenght and courage to deal with the heartbreak..

  57. Heart broken for you Alison X

  58. Averil Pickering on said:

    So sorry. Wishing you the strength you need for the days ahead.

  59. So, so sorry for your loss xx

  60. Oh Darling! My heart is breaking for you,sending love to you because it is all I can do xxx

  61. Lynn Dirk on said:

    Dear Alison, I may not write this every day, but I will be thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers for many days to come. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking of your nightmare and how fragile life is. One day you are getting votes to go to a motel and the next your world is shattered. Few of us escape the pain of loss. But sometimes, actually very often it seems some peoples lot is much too hard. I hold you up to the healing light my faraway friend. I pray you have signs that you cant deny and that the peace your mum would want you to have comes soon. Much love and hugs from all of your readers near and far. xoxo

  62. Barb B on said:

    So sorry to hear of your loss, Alison . I will remember you, your mom and your family in my prayers.

  63. Helena on said:

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. There are no words for something like this, really, so I don’t know what to say. But know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  64. Alison, I am so very sorry to hear this. I lost my mom when I was 16 and she was only 49 and still miss her every day. No-one will ever love you the same as your mom. There are no words to convey my sympathy, but my heart hurts for you.

  65. Alison, as long as your Mum is in your heart she is still with you.

  66. snehal on said:

    So very very sorry….My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  67. Chrissie on said:

    Condolences from me and my family hun. Losing a mum so painful. Mine did not know me for the last 10 years of her life.
    Remember they can’t take your memories away from you.
    Love and gentle hugs.

  68. Becky on said:

    I am so, so very sorry to learn of the loss of your mother. This post was beautifully written and I’m so glad you shared it with us.

  69. stefanie montijo on said:

    i am so very sorry for your loss!!! I will be praying for your comfort!

  70. Linda Luke on said:

    I am so very sorry for your deep, deep loss. You and your family will be in my prayers. I pray comfort for all your hearts.

  71. suzanne on said:

    Words are so stupidy inadequate in these moments so I hold your heart in mine. Hugs.

  72. Lesley on said:

    Dear alison, Although I’m only a very sporadic commenter here, I read every single post you put up and have done for many years.
    I am so very, very sorry for your loss. My own mother died in 2013 and to be honest, I never had the same closeness that you and your Mum shared. You’ve had a wonderful mother and she has left a wonderful legacy – in you, in Finley, in all those whose lives she touched. She sounds as if she was a blessing to many – and that is a wonderful thing.
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Bless you.

  73. Darling I am so, so sorry. Sending so much love to you and the rest of the family. xxxxx

  74. Bless you, honey. This is a hard and difficult place. In the words of Gandalf, “I will not say do not cry, for not all tears are bad.” Go, cry and scream and worry and love…. above all, go love the people who are left. Go hug Finley and your Dad. And scream at us when you are able, and bring us your smile when you are ready and we will be here for you when you need us. And I am sending you a deep hug from South Liverpool to Aughton. Be brave, be strong, and be true to yourself.

  75. Carol_M on said:

    I was not expecting to read something like this today. I am only imagining your pain. My father passed away 4 months ago and it was so hard even though he was elderly, and we had a couple of weeks warning to prepare for the end. Still so painfully hard, but to lose your mum so unexpectedly and at a younger age, there really are no words. Your mum is with you always. She lives through you and your darling boy. My prayers are with you and all your family.

  76. Helen on said:

    Oh Alison, I am so so sorry for your loss. Just remember to take a deep breath every so often, light lots of candles and be kind to yourself. Sending you and Finn love and light.

  77. Wendy on said:

    Oh, dear girl! I am so sorry to hear this news. No doubt, you are in my prayers for peace and comfort in this hardest stage of life, the loss of a loved one. Hold fast to Finn and your family. Hold them while they hold you. Don’t let go of each other. Let peace flow over you all. Let love bring you strength to face the coming days. Let mercy feed you. Let grace cover you. Let the light of Christ shine for you to follow, as you look down this darkend path. Continue to breathe. May He breathe for you as He carries you and your burden. We love you Allison.

  78. I am frozen in shock. I am just so sorry. You are such a very, VERY special person to us all, though I do not know you personally, I have followed you and your family for ten years now and am reeling. Wishing you sleep, wishing you moments of peace, wishing you support, wishing you the knowledge that we all will be here to listen to anything you need to say. You, Finley, Helen and your father are in our prayers.

  79. Helen on said:

    Oh honey. I’m so very sorry reading this. 🙁 I have tears in my eyes as this is a huge fear of mine…losing my mom. My best friend. My world. I cannot imagine the pain you and your family are in but please know prayers are being lifted now. I’m so sorry.

    Blessings to you and to your family,
    Helen

  80. Angela on said:

    You’re experiencing now what I am terribly afraid of. I’m so sorry.

  81. Deb Brewer on said:

    I am crying reading this – the shock and loss, even 8 years on, exactly mirrors how I felt when my beloved mum died suddenly. My mum was all those things to me, and I weep for you too.
    I wish I could say it gets easier, but really, you just learn to live with it. .
    And remember, you are the woman you are today, because of the woman she was. Celebrate her, and in time, life becomes easier.
    I will think of you tonight xx

  82. Carrie G. on said:

    Alison, I am so, so sorry. Sending prayers for you and your entire family.

  83. Marianne C. on said:

    So sorry to hear about your Mum!

  84. Joanne on said:

    Oh dear Alison my heart is breaking for you. The loss of your Mother is so sad. I lost mine almost 4 years ago and miss her everyday.

    Take time and try to be kind to yourself there is no time limit on grief.

    I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

  85. All of my hugs and prayers to you for strength in losing your best friend, your Momma, but she is still with you in your thoughts, your heart, and in your soul. You are her legacy and must now live her principles and rely on the strength she helped to nurture in you all of these years that you had her on this little planet. You know her energy has only left it’s Earthly vessel for yet another habitat that we will not yet know, for nothing so perfect a creation would ever be made only to dwell temporarily in this imperfect world. Use the strength and love she instilled in you to get yourself and your family through this horrible time. You have so many people, including all of us cyber friends, that really wish you the best and do love you for being the person your Momma helped to create.

  86. April Carr on said:

    I want my girls to love me like you love your mother. I have not a single word to offer you that is adequate, but please accept my deepest sympathy. ♡

  87. Oh Alison,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I remember my own loss, and can understand. There are no words. Simply and truthfully to give solace. You are in my thoughts.
    Koma

  88. Dear Alison,

    I am so sorry for your loss. It is now nine years since my mother died and I can’t tell how incredibly ridiculous that sentence sounds to me. I have just read your “Nothing At All” piece as well and understand how angry you feel at this terrible turn of events. Nothing I can say will be of any use, except to say that there will come a time when you won’t feel angry, where you will cry if you want to and then there will come a time where you will remember your mum and the memory will not be tinged with pain. I sometimes dream about my mother and when I wake I always feel blessed because it is as if she came for a visit. All I can do is tell you that you will survive. My mother was Spanish (as is my father) and when she died in Spain, she was buried the next day and from the moment she arrived at the funeral parlour until they took her to the church for the funeral service, we and our extended family and friends stayed with her. I howled like a wolf on the car journey to church, it was a visceral almost unworldly noise and I never knew I could make such a sound. You do whatever you need to, to cope with the pain. My heart goes out to you and you and your family shall be in my prayers.

  89. Susan on said:

    Alison, That was a beautiful piece about your mum, I know how close you were to your mum and the gap she will leave for you. remember all those great times you had with her and they will keep you going. Take care xxx

  90. I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family xx

  91. Dearest Alison, Much love to you and your family.

  92. I am devastated for you. Very.

  93. Susan on said:

    Dear Alison,

    So sorry to read this shocking news. Much love to you, Fin and your whole family.

  94. Oh, Alison. I am behind in blog reading so I just saw this. I am so terribly sorry. May your memories of your sweet mum bring you comfort in your grief.

  95. Diane on said:

    I don’t know how I missed this post until today. I’m so very sorry for you and your whole family. Today is the 14th anniversary of my mom’s death. I lived thru so many things you have mentioned. Sending my love and prayers for you and your family today and in the days to come.