Crackers In Bed


Now there’s a title likely to worry my Mum. But then it is her fault that what I am about to type is fluttering around my brain. You see we were talking about the dog, who currently sleeps in a cage at the end of my bed because he simply cannot live without me and I was moaning about said situation because now I have my bedroom back to myself, I had fancied myself free of the sound of snoring and middle of the night snuffling but hells bells no: as usual the universe has other ideas and Alfie is much noisier than the man who went before him.

Yeah, there is just no rest for the wicked and yep I am the kind of woman who likes a good moan. So Mum listened and then said “Well why don’t you do what we do when he stays with us and put his cage on the landing where he can see you, but you can’t hear him?” and I pulled the kind of face I reserve for particularly stupid ideas and told her that that would never work because I would never sleep again if I had to try and slumber in full view of whoever might be prowling around my house in the small hours. And that heck, how in the name of all that barks, is a person supposed to fall asleep without firmly closing the door upon potential criminal or ghostly activity?

So she said, oh noooooooo. I couldn’t possibly sleep with the door shut. I need to know what is going on. Which struck me as utterly preposterous because when she is asleep she cannot possibly know what is going on now can she, and then what? No warning as the door creaks open? No time to see intruder crossing the room or ghost wafting about before it strokes the hair away from her face? Oh I couldn’t. I just couldn’t!

Now I do believe we all have our idiosyncrasies. But that those we entertain when it comes to our safety in the bedroom are particularly prevalent. I mean clearly if an intruder is planning on robbing my imaginary safe or a ghost is going to flutter about woo-hooing or doing whatever it is that ghosts do, neither entities are likely to be put off by a closed door, no matter how firmly I bang it every night. And the fact that I will always insist on sleeping as far away from the door as possible will afford me only seconds in the event of an attack because I live in a teeny tiny cottage not Buckingham Palace and hopping across the bed could occur in the flash of a balaclava.

And then there is the knicker situation. Beware. I am about to reveal more information than you could possibly ever need to know, but there isn’t a hope in hell that I could ever drift off to sleep without knickers on. It wouldn’t matter if I was wearing three onesies and a dressing gown. I would still need knickers in the night. I could go the supermarket without them  (I don’t, but I’m just saying, I could) but getting into bed without knickers is downright unthinkable to me because it makes me feel… vulnerable. Yep. To me, the average pair of lacy knickers ensure my safety to exactly the same degree as keeping a small shotgun in my bedside drawer would!

It is clear then that we are all, to one degree or another, crackers in bed. (Some of us, clearly more than most!). I know a woman who locks her bedroom door. Another who sleeps with the light on. And one who cannot sleep without knowing that the teeny little dressing gown she wore as a baby (and christened Jimmy), is safely tucked under her pillow or heaven knows what could happen in the middle of the night. We are all a bit weird. We are ALL at our most vulnerable when we are close our eyes to sleep, so I guess it’s a matter of whatever gets you through the night for all us.

In my case a pair of knickers, a glass of water I won’t drink, my car keys -apparently so, if necessary, I can jump out of the window and straight in to the safety of my little blue brum!- and a snoring puppy. Bless my irrational heart.

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9 comments on “Crackers In Bed

  1. delores on said:

    thoroughly enjoyed reading all about life on long lane with Alfie and lacy knickers !!!!!
    If you need a dog sitter , call on me and Joe .
    Lots of love xxx

  2. Dawn Gilmore on said:

    See, you need to wear your knickers in case you do have to jump out the window and into your car. 🙂

    I’m the opposite of you. I can’t bear to wear undies when I sleep. I can’t stand anything around my waist/hips when I sleep. I can only wear nighties, never pajamas.

    I don’t care whether the door is open or closed. I usually leave it open unless the cat is bugging me or I have guests.

    I feel vulnerable if I am uncovered so even if it’s hot as Hades I will have at least a sheet pulled up over me.

  3. Sleep with the bedroom open – ludicrous! I can’t even sleep when a drawer is ajar and if there is an item of clothing peeking out of my wardrobe that must be tucked away too!

    I like the idea of leaving my car keys in my bedside table so I can leap out of the window to safety – not as brave as it sounds, my bedroom is on the ground floor!

    Victoria x
    FlorenceandMary.com

  4. I love you, you are hilarious, and please don’t stop writing ever! I’d miss you dreadfully!

  5. Heather on said:

    I can’t possibly sleep with the door shut. I worry about intruders so much, that I feel like I am abandoning my children to who knows what may come in the night if I have the door shut and cannot hear all that may happen.

  6. Carol-Anne on said:

    Loved this! So cute….and TRUE! I’ve got so many silly bedtime rituals & things that make me feel safe, it’s crazy!

  7. Tracelaine on said:

    I must hear any noises at night so my door remains open. I want to know when little feet go to the restroom or sleepwalk off to other pats.

    That little doggy would let you know if anyone were jiggling your front lock….waayy before that anyone were all the way to your bedroom door.

    My dog helps me feel safe.

  8. Lynn Dirk on said:

    This was funny! You could invent breath-rite strips for dogs and become a millionaire 😉 And so true about the knickers and the safety they ensure.