101 Things About Me – The 2015 Edition
Yep. A new collection of random facts about yours truly….
1. The pin above, sent to me by my lovely Ouissi, could not be more me. I do always wear black. But there are rainbows in my head.
2. I am smiling too much lately. I swear the shock is giving me jaw-ache.
3. I genuinely like green smoothies. Even when I have chucked beetroot into them and turned them a frightening shade of grey.
4. Now that I live by myself again, I am truly bewildered to note that it was ME messing the house up all along. What a bummer. I did so enjoy having someone else to blame.
5. I eat coconut oil by the spoonful.
6. I once knew a man who hated himself so much he showered in the dark. It still makes me sad.
7. I will never, ever, NEVER forgive Alfie for chewing the toe off the only heels I have ever owned that were actually a pleasure to wear.
8. I am still considering Botox. Somebody talk me out of it.
9. I hold a lot of store by first kisses. The man who kissed me with his hand down the toilet was on to a loser from the beginning. I still think ferrets are a deal-breaker too.
10. I think Perez Hilton needs stringing up.
11. The one and only time I have ever been ludicrously paralytic, I popped my face in to a snowy bush and beamed at my surrounding family with ice dripping off my nose.
12. Whenever he wants to cheer me up, Finley plays the video below and then freezes it at the moment when Roman Reigns licks his lips. I screech with delight and Finley falls apart laughing…
13. I am scared stiff of having a teenager in the house. I truly think its time someone worked out how to keep our children little sweethearts forever.
14. “Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.” – This, from Katherine Mansfield is my 2015 mantra…
15. Peanut butter is my latest culinary obsession.
16. I have become the most outrageously fickle reader. I have taken up judging books by their first paragraph and moving on quickly if they do not please me immediately. From now on I am also going to apply this policy to men.
17. I have the most shockingly loud laugh. Really. People turn around and stare.
18. Sometimes I accidentally accompany my loud laugh with a quick wallop for the person who has made me chuckle, in an ooooh you are awful way. No-one appreciates it, but I never learn.
19. You only have to touch me and I bruise. At any moment you could strip me off and wonder how very accident prone one woman could be.
20. I am OBSESSED with my eyebrows. I wanna go HD.
21. I say hello to people I pass in my lane and feel affronted when they do not say hello back.
22. There are now THREE hairs growing out of my chin in a willy-nilly fashion.
23. I am worried sick about whether I have made the right choice for Finn’s secondary school place. The proof will be in the all grown-up pudding I suppose…
24. I think I hero-worship Kim Kardashian quite as much as I do because she is the only woman on the planet with a bum bigger than mine.
25. I shouldn’t shop in T.K.Maxx. My house is beginning to resemble one of it’s clearance aisles.
26. I am not adverse to eating my meals standing at the fridge Nigella Lawson style.
27. Though I am not sure I approve of Nigella Lawson any more.
28. There is a little girl in Finley’s class I want him to marry. He has told me that sadly it won’t be possible because she has a neck like a turkey and he will not be having a girlfriend anyway because he is going to get himself a reclining chair instead. Somewhere along the way I feel I have failed in my duty to instil the right values in to my silly son.
29. I cannot remember the last time I went swimming.
30. Occasionally I get in bed at six-thirty and appal my Mother.
31. I like hotel rooms better than any other place in the world. My number one ambition is to become an eccentric geriatric occupying an expensive suite and eating only room service.
32. I have got a floor -length flowery pull-it-on-over-my-head fleecy robe that makes other people snort with derision. But is so cosy that frankly I do not care.
33. I think I do not care should probably be tattooed on to my (wrinkly) forehead.
34. I have got a squodge of fat on my inner left thigh I do not have on my right one. Why oh why oh why?
35. Damn You AutoCorrect is my absolute favourite waste of time. Second only to Jeremy Kyle.
36. Kath bought me a cup at Christmas that totally sums me up. It says…
May, Ali / A bit jumbled; home and cosy; preposterously always right, damn it.
37. Because I am preposterously, always right, about everything. The rest of the world just hasn’t realised it yet.
38. If I ever go out without my usual smutty eye make-up I can guarantee somebody, somewhere will ask me if I am ill.
39. Keeping all the chargers required to keep my various devices organised, is going to be the death of me.
40. If trying to get Finn to keep his bedroom tidy doesn’t finish me off first.
41. This was the year that I gave up control-freakery and allowed Finley to decorate the Christmas Tree. #letsnotgothere
42. As a result, I will not be giving up control-freakery in any other area, ever again. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
43. It struck me the other day that maybe this teeny house is too little in which to live a bigger life. Maybe I have got goldfish syndrome?
44. I went the tip every day last week. I am crazy busy chucking my whole life away.
45. Emotional sluttery, aka Carrie Bradshaw, has long been my downfall. I cannot hold anything in. Ask me and I will tell you. Don’t ask me and I will probably tell you.
46. The pin above, sent to me by my lovely Ouissi, could not be more me. I do always wear black. But there are rainbows in my head.
47. I haven’t baked for such a long time. I have quite forgotten how.
48. Tramping through mud in my wellies is the next best thing to meditation for me.
49. My belly button is still a no-go zone. And my caesarean scar remains utterly numb.
50. Sometimes I get carried away with my make-up and turn up on the school playground looking like RuPaul.
51. In a shop the other day, I had a twenty minute, wildly enthusiastic conversation with a woman who seemed to know me terribly well. As we walked away, Finley smirked and said “You have absolutely no idea who that was do you?”. The child can read me like a book. Sorry lady. It will probably come to me in the middle of the night soon.
52. If I cannot sleep I count backwards form 23 and do not ever remember getting past thirteen. This then is my last resort sleeping tactic.
53. If I do not answer the phone to my Dad, he calls me later and tells me that he was hanging from the gutter of the roof he has been fixing and he now realises he cannot rely on me.
54. Relying on me is probably a very bad idea anyway. Best to just be grateful for what you get or else you will send yourself around the bend.
55. Daffodils delight me.
56. As does Bathtub Gin. With elderflower tonic please.
57. Once upon a time a friend informed me that she had chucked a photo of me out because it wasn’t “flattering”. Whatever was on that photo has haunted me ever since. So bad she had to put it in the bin??
58. Lately I have been listening Madonna’s entire back catalogue on the way to school and terrifying the kids by singing at the top of my voice. My Like a VIr-ir-ir-ir-gins have to be heard to be believed.
59. Owning two pets is more than I can cope with. They fight like cat and dog.
60. Korma is the hottest curry I can swallow. Chillies should be banned.
61. I am impossibly impatient. I hate waiting for anything. Having to endure nine months of pregnancy was my idea of torture. Waiting for a phone call nearly kills me.
62. I get the most terrible restless legs and spend many a night kicking my blankets around and plotting the deaths of all those who sleep well.
63. I may have turned in to the most awful commitment-phobe.
64. I dither and waffle and giggle when I find myself talking to Finley’s twenty something teachers. As if these youthful flippertyjibbits were not young enough to be my children too. Is it any wonder Finn runs rings around me?
65. A gathering of the women in my family is the very best kind of gathering that there is.
66. I will be 43 in two months time. But I am forever 23 in my head. 23 was wonderful. So 43 had better be good or else I am going to have the Mother of all hissy fits.
67. That sounded scarier than it would be. My hissy fits are disappointingly tame. I was born without a temper.
68. I am ALWAYS cold. Except first thing in the morning when I am absolutely roasting. Oh hell. Is it a middle-aged thing?
69. Wrestling is the only sport I have ever watched without wanting to punch the television.
70. My Dad has got an imaginary boat to which he banishes people he doesn’t like. Presumably in the hope it will spring a leak and sink forever more with Piers Morgan on board. One of these days I am going to have to hop on and rescue Robbie Williams.
71. I wasn’t cut out to train a dog.
72. I once got my sandal caught under the clutch of my car and sped at breakneck speed towards a woman who dropped her shopping and started to run. I am sending good karma to her in apology.
73. I haven’t taken Finn abroad yet because I worry about fathoming his gluten free safety in foreign restaurants. It is a complicated business here, yet alone where we do not speak the same language.
74. I giggle a lot. I am a giggly woman. And I blush. And get flustered. And talk too much. Especially in the midst of groups of women. Women en masse frighten me.
75. I once keeled over flat on my face in a bar. I don’t know how. But my friends nearly died laughing.
76. And I once nearly squashed Mark Owen of Take That fame to death, when I tripped over him on the stairs in a shop in Manchester.
77. As you can probably tell I am accident prone. I don’t seem capable of identifying where my body starts and ends.
78. I have gone off most food. It’s the most dreadful bore.
79. If I had to choose though, I would always go for savoury over sweet.
80. I would like to hire a person to tickle my feet while I watch Coronation Street.
81. My Mum calls me “Trouble On A Butty”. I am not.
82. I am NEVER late.
83. And I NEVER watch daytime television. That way sloth lies.
84. But I am addicted to TV of the Real Housewives ilk. I absolutely adore Yolanda from Beverly Hills.
85. I pop vast amounts of vitamins and supplements. Holland and Barrett is one of my favourite shops.
86. I like talking into the early hours better than almost anything in the world. The truth comes out after midnight doesn’t it?
87. My Mum says the best years of her life were between 50 and 52. My best might be yet to come…
88. There are things in this life I never want to do. Skiing is top of my list.
89. I hope Finley wears onesies forever and ever. He is the epitome of cute in them.
90. I still wear Obsession perfume. It feels like home.
91. Once upon a time I said “Hello doggy” to a passing Chihuahua and my friends seem to consider this absolute proof that I am halfway to crazy.
92. I sometime wonder what kind of Mummy I would have been if I’d had a little girl.
93. If I was a man I would grow one of those fabulous beards so I had something to play with when I was bored.
94. My passion for housekeeping hasn’t faded but my ability to keep house seems somewhat compromised at the moment.
95. Though I do not believe in horoscopes, I fit the description of an Aries woman to a t.
96. Mark keeps telling me that one day Finn won’t need me and the very idea utterly freaks me out.
97. I look like I have been banged on the head with a hammer in a hat. #truestory
98. Looking at other people’s Facebook profiles always makes me feel like I am spying on them.
99. I cannot hear at a certain pitch, so talking to me in a noisy room is a pointless exercise. I will make up what I think you are trying to tell me and laugh in inappropriate places.
100. I absolutely adore the kind of really rubbish little sandwiches you get at kids parties.
101. And I will never, ever tire of the wonderful world of blogging…