101 All New Things About Me…


Well now  it struck me that it has been a horribly long time, (five years!) since I wrote a 101 things about me post, and so here is my latest effort… a list of trivial pieces of fluff and nonsense you probably don’t need to know but I feel better for writing on this cold and blowly December afternoon… 

1. I feel like Kim Kardashian’s Mum. Seeing her contemplating marrying Kanye breaks my heart.

2.  I could live on wasabi peas.

3. I have wonky hips. Probably because I sit around with one leg underneath me all the time.

4. I like Mariah Carey much more since she became a Mum.

5. I believe that lovers do not meet, they are in each other all along. Just biding time…

6. There is a house on my lane I love so much I am considering taking up residence when the owners go on holiday. #squatter

7. My addiction to my iPhone is legendary.

8. I have still never entered the lottery, but people keep entering it on my behalf and pressing tickets upon me.

9. If I had to choose, I would choose tidy over clean. #justsaying

10. I still remember exactly how it feels when a hockey stick bashes your ice cold legs in the midst of school day winters.

11. I am finally beginning to acknowledge the cycles each year pedals through. Instead of being repeatedly astonished by the arrival of both Christmas and warm weather.

12. I never want what I cannot have. I am bizarrely accepting of what is.

13. This, from a book by Martin Amis, is still my favorite opening paragraph ever…

“Cities at night, I feel, contain men who cry in their sleep and then say Nothing. It’s nothing. Just sad dreams. Or something like that…. Swing low in your weep ship, with your tear scans and your sob probes and you would mark them. Women- and they can be wives, lovers, gaunt muses, fat nurses, obsessions, devourers, exes, nemeses, will wake and turn to these men and ask with female need to know “What is it?” And the men say Nothing. No, it isn’t anything really. Just sad dreams”

Just sad dreams. Yeah, Oh sure. Just sad dreams. Or something like that.

Richard Tull was crying in his sleep. The woman beside him, his wife Gina, woke and turned. She moved up on him from behind and laid hands on his pale and straining shoulders. There was a professionalism in her blinks and frowns and whispers: like the person at the poolside trained in first aid; like the figure surging in on the blood stained macadam, a striding Christ of mouth to mouth. She was a women. She knew so much more about tears than he did. She didn’t know about Swift’s juvenalia,  or Wordsworth’s senilia, or how Cressida had variously fared at the hands of Boccacciao, of Chaucer, of Robert Henryson, of Shakespeare: she didn’t know Proust. But she knew tears. Gina had tears cold.

14. I am ripe for change. For a new direction. For derring-do.

15. I suspect I will still be sneaking into Finn’s room to take photo’s of him fast asleep, when he is twenty five.

16. I am trying to teach myself to smile in photographs instead of pouting.

17. My Dad has taken up snapping “candid” photographs of me and threatening to post them on  Facebook. You know the type: so candid they hurt? Stop it Dad!

18. My weight varies directly in proportion to my measure of happiness.

19. Christmas ever so slightly bugs me. Pretend I didn’t type that.

20. I am no good at small talk. I like to skip to the heart of the matter. It may or may not be disconcerting, but I don’t much care.

21. I frequently say things I shouldn’t. And I swear. I’m  so sorry.

22. I think I laugh more with my Mum on our Friday adventures than I do with anyone on the planet.

23. If Russell Brand ever starts his revolution, I’m joining him. Don’t try and stop me.

24. I am good friends with all but one of my significant exes. People very rarely leave my life. The one who did, had to.

25. Counselling was one of the weirdest experiences of my life.

26. I learn something from Finley every single day. This child has so much to teach me.

27. The Maharishi was the right choice for him. I am so proud of the fact that I followed my instincts.

28. People frequently feel stupid for me. I barely notice.

29.  Nowadays I am frequently outwitted by my ten year old.

30. I am not a stupid woman, but he is starting to bring maths homework, home that I just can’t fathom. What will become of us?

31. My boy crush nowadays is Jude Law. He is ageing magnificently well.

32. My girl crush is Caitlin Moran. I could have wrote How To Be A Woman myself. It should be required reading for every man on the planet, if only so that they could get straight to the heart of us.

33. I wish Miley Cyrus would go to hell on a wrecking ball. I worry that she will rot my little boy’s brain.

34. Last night I dreamed that in a complete change of direction, I was going to renovate a pub and re-invent myself as a landlady.

35. I had quite forgotten how wonderful babies are until Clarry came along. I consider him a late gift to our whole family…

36. Once upon a time I swung my arm around to hit my Dad, missed and hit myself squarely in the face. This remains his absolute favorite dinner party story.

37. Once upon another time, I told Richard that if he didn’t stop making me laugh, I would wet myself. Finley tells this story whenever we find ourselves in a quiet queue. Mum remember that time you wet yourself? Strangers look at me horrified, while Finn howls with laughter. Embarrassing me is his new favorite hobby.

38. I still think about the wedding dress I didn’t get to wear.

39. My sister calls me Bingo. And sometimes Bongo. I still don’t know why. But once she bought me a set of Bongo drums from Harrods in celebration.

40. I am a rubbish sun bather.

41. My favorite tea is an ayurvedic brew called “Be Trim”. I don’t drink it for the reported benefits, but because it is the cosiest cuppa ever.

42. I am less tolerant of almost everything these days. I quite like this new, snarly me.

43. Chocolate limes are my favorite sweets after the much lauded, violet creme.

44. I am quite the wine connoisseur these days.

45. A man I know describes me as “high maintenance”. That can’t be right can it??

46. I play Robbie William’s song “Losers” at full blast in the car and sing along at the top of my voice. The words energize me and do something funny to my tummy. I can’t explain why.

47. I still believe that what is for you won’t pass you. Despite whatever obstacles might seem to be in your way.

48. I wore fake fur and a mad up-do at university. I was totally oblivious to any allure I may have had.

49. I like being around people who have something to teach me. Stuff I can learn from them. I remain  in awe of intelligence.

50. I once cricked my neck playing football at school and had to be carted off to hospital for a neck brace.

51. The day Mark got married was one of the weirdest days of my life. I seem to have blanked it out.

52. Sometimes I read out headlines from the Daily Mail iphone app and make my Mum cry laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

53. I want to punch Cliff Richard. It is one of my most burning ambitions.

54. Though you would never guess it to look at me, I really like running.

55. I can’t remember the last time I cried. Tears may have hardened my arteries. Or be growing like stalactites in my tear ducts.

56. I’m mad about Quentin Tarantino films. Django. Pulp Fiction. And oh that moment in True Romance!

57. I have no regrets. Not a moment. Not a ridiculous decision. Not a moment, a day or a year.

58. I sometimes deeply regret other peoples decisions though.

59. I am more frightened of the world than I used to be. The news terrifies me.

60. Eyebrow threading hurts more than childbirth. This I know for sure.

61. I am still not the girl I think I am. The man from Crowded House keeps telling me. I really should listen.

62. I am a marriage catalyst. Men get married or have children almost immediately after we part. What’s that all about?? And then they phone me to tell me how stupid they are. Move along now please.

63. There is a moment from the early days of Finley’s life I will always treasure. I was sitting in nursery, hand-painted by yours truly with bluebirds and trees, when I looked down at him as he breastfed and experienced a moment of pure and absolute wonder.

64.  I used to like painting trees and birds and angels on other peoples walls because often it allowed me to dwell in that creative mind space where you quite forget where you are.

65. I have never been for a proper job interview. I suspect I would say something absolutely preposterous.

66. I blush a lot. I bite my lip and mumble when I am embarrassed. It is mortifyingly teenage.

67. I think Facebook has got a lot to answer for. Most recently for subjecting me to the sight of the father of my child in a dress. #letsnotgothere

68. Eddie Izzard is my favorite comedian. The Big Bang Theory my favorite show.

69.  Apparently I try to get down with kids too often. Finn has said that if I say “coolio” again, he is going to child divorce me.

70. My Ceasarean scar is still completely numb. Anyone who touches it takes their life in their hands.

71. I once dated a man who was registered blind. It was incredibly liberating.

72. I wish I could do university all over again. I wasted it the first time.

73. I eat tangerines in bed. Mr Big wouldn’t like that would he? Damnit I’m still channeling Carrie Bradshaw.

74. I dance when I’m by myself. All around the house.

75.  This is my very favorite picture of my Mum and Dad. If only the camera didn’t bring the divil out in Finn!

theOlympicflame2

76. Still being at number one of the Kindle Home and Garden charts, six months later,  makes my cheeks ache with happiness. Go me!

77. I’m not adverse to having my whole world turned upside down. It’s about time fate intervened…

78. I had to leave tap-dancing class because I can’t move my hands and feet at the same time. It’s an affliction.

79. I was twenty five before I learned to blow my nose. I’m still not brilliant at it.

80. I believe every girl should have been blessed with an Uncle like my Roy.

81. I once saw my sister vomiting in a school corridor and I was so embarrassed for her I carried on walking. #dearsisteriamsorry

82. I was absolutely wild about James Dean when I was a teenager.

83. Reading Loveheart sweeties makes me giggle.

84. This is the year I plan to sell all the vintage stuff stashed under my bed…

85. I have never ached for both stability and excitement quite as much as I do now.

86. I was hospitalised with the measles when I was a kid and popped in an isolation ward for what seemed like years. I can still remember chasing my auntie Debbie down the corridor when visiting hours were over because I was so fed up of being alone.

87. Finley has taught me how to brave. I have watched him endure a whole lot of pain and never, ever complain. I however, remain a wimp.

88. I have forged my strongest friendship bonds in the last ten years. Where would I be without my girls?

89. My pre-menstrual madness is reaching comical new peaks. My Mum tries to avoid me during the last week of the month, so I follow her around and frequently unleash my wrath upon her tolerant shoulders…

90. I fancy Harry Styles more than I consider appropriate. #soshootme

91. I could happily chuck out everything I own. I seem to have no material attachments at all. Yoda said we must train ourselves to let go of everything we fear to lose and I, Alison May took that little green man at his  word.

92. Though life has been incredibly difficult over the past two years, and I know I have not been as present as I could be, BrocanteHome remains my number one passion in this life.

93. I only know one joke. Trust me, you don’t want to hear it.

94. I consider fresh bed-linen to be one of life’s most under-rated pleasures.

95. I wish I could remember more about being a child. My sister has the most incredible memory but I have forgotten almost all of my yesterdays.

96. I believe the following to be absolutely true. It’s a burden I have passed on to my son.

curlyhair

97. I have such enormous, high hopes for the future. All my fingers are crossed for happiness.

98. I keep trying to go vegan, then forget and shove a slice of bacon in my mouth. It is my Father’s fault.

99. Kindness matters to me above all else.

100. And I respect vulnerability in other people because I cannot fathom those who will not wear their hearts on their sleeves.

101. Above all else, I truly believe that what will be, will be and we don’t have to stress about it… we can just enjoy the ride.x 

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9 comments on “101 All New Things About Me…

  1. Number 14 and 85……..Oh yeah.

  2. Absolutely wonderful… joining up on 18, 47 & 99

  3. Loved reading this. Over the last few months I have read all your archives and just love your honesty and vulnerabie writing style.

    Oh and btw , number 30? I teach Maths give me a shout if you need help!

  4. What an interesting list. I don’t know that I could come up with that may things about myself. With you on the curly hair thing.

  5. I love this. I want to live next door to you. Can that be arranged?

  6. jademichele on said:

    Happy New Year! I’ve followed your blog for years and recently read your book on my Kindle -wish you and Finn all the best 🙂

  7. Ha. I’m a pesceterian, but a bit of bacon will always find its way into my mouth if I’m around it.

  8. chrissie on said:

    Just said this very morning – tidy rather than clean – tidy important – as my grandma used to say I am all fur coat and no drawers.Can I say that ?

  9. Beautiful 🙂